


pick a star on the dark horizon

by dizzy



Series: in the half light [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Discussion of Past Suicidal Thoughts, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-18 02:24:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16108820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/pseuds/dizzy
Summary: Phil finds Dan's backup plan.Companion piece to thisoneshot.





	pick a star on the dark horizon

**Author's Note:**

> For Lackless!

Dan's outside again. He's outside a lot these days. He soaks in the sun until his skin is warm. It's his new therapy, he says, and Phil knows it's not untrue. Dan needs things to occupy his mind and he's discovered that working with his hands is a way to blank out all the dark and scary thoughts. On rainy days he paints with Phil's dad - but on days like today, he puts himself to more productive use. 

Phil joins Dan sometimes. Sometimes he spends the day with his mum, sometimes he just stays in their own tiny home on an overstuffed sofa with mismatched cushions reading. They've both got their own ways to cope in world where video games aren't a thing. 

Today he's inside cleaning, because there's something satisfying about swiping a cloth across the top of a dusty shelf and watching it come back covered in grime. He's chasing a sense satisfaction and he'll take it even in the smallest circumstances. It helps, somehow, to untangle the tendrils of a nightmare that won't let go. 

He can't even really remember the dream. He just remembers darkness closing in, and the chest cracking terror of being alone. 

His mum always said his grandmother was psychic. Maybe, he'll think later, the dream came to him for a reason. He was supposed to wake up itching with restlessness. He was supposed to decide it was a fantastic time to put his energy to purpose with an all day tidy. 

He was supposed to decide the linens could do with a wash as well, and drop the pillow case, and see the small bottle tied under the frame of the bed when he kneels down to pick it up. 

His fingers shake as he pries the bottle loose. He opens it, and shakes the contents into his palms. There are so many pills - different shapes and sizes. 

He feels like he's been doused in cold water. He sits there staring at them until Dan walks in. 

*

Dan sits on the floor facing Phil. The room is small, and there's not much space but he's got his back to the wall and his legs hugged up against his chest. 

He's let Dan say his piece. He's listened to Dan's tears, listened to the desperation in his voice. 

It's not like he hadn't known how dark Dan's mind got sometimes, back when they were still in England. He remembers whole nights he couldn't sleep for fear if he did Dan wouldn't still be there when he woke up. 

Deep down he hadn't thought Dan would really leave him alone. He understands when Dan says it was just a backup plan. There might have even been nights with Phil laid awake himself, letting his mind wander to places he hopes it never goes again. 

"Say something," Dan says quietly. 

Phil wipes his eyes. The pills are back in the bottle now, sitting on the night stand. "How are the courgettes?" He asks. His voice sounds scratchy. 

Dan laughs, a surprised wet sound. So many tears between them both. If his mum popped in for a visit now, she'd know something was off right away. She probably won't, though. She gives it at least until mid afternoon before she checks on them if they haven't shown up around the big house. 

She worries. Phil understands. He worries, too. Most of his worry is focused on the always beautiful, often sad, sometimes unreachable boy in front of him. 

Or man. The man in front of him. A man with a farmer's tan that starts where the sleeve of his t-shirt ends, with dirt under his fingernails, with messy hair, and with the most heartbroken look on his face that Phil has ever seen when he says, "They're coming in good." 

Phil nods. His head is starting to throb and he suddenly wants fresh air. "Show me." 

* 

They walk around the little garden, and then they just keep walking. It's ten minutes down a winding path to the water's edge, a little rocky beach. They don't have to talk about it. They both know that's where they want to be. 

When Dan stumbles, Phil reaches for his hand. When Dan's got his footing again, he doesn't let go. 

"Do you remember the first time I brought you here?" He asks. 

"Yeah," Dan says. "I was so overwhelmed. Your parents were so nice, and your grandparents... but it felt like a lot. Like it was really something." 

"It was really something," Phil says, voice soft. "I'd never introduced anyone to the whole of my family like that." 

"I'm glad it was me," Dan says. His grip on Phil's fingers tightens. "I'm glad it's still me." 

It'll always be Dan. Phil knows that deep in his bones. He knows it as much as he's ever known anything in his life. This isn't a whirlwind romance. This isn't a spark that'll fade. It's a quiet steady fire that warms and lights everything about him. Dan's not his boyfriend, Dan's his whole world. They've been to the end of everything and back. 

So he won't lose Dan to a handful of little tablets. "We'll take them to the clinic," Phil says. "They'll be able to use them there." 

"When?" Dan asks. 

"Today. After lunch." 

"I'm meant to be helping your dad," Dan says, voice distance. "I can' tell him you want me to go into town with you." 

Phil thinks about it for just a moment, then shakes his head. "I'll take them by myself." 

"Yeah?" Dan looks at him. He doesn't argue Phil. There's relief in his voice. "Yeah?" 

"I'll say we found them in our bag," Phil says. "They got put away and forgotten about." 

"Okay." They stop walking. The beach is in front of them. It's a clear day, crisp but not cold, and the wind rolls the water up against the shore. 

"It was a different time." Phil speaks decisively, shoulders squared and resolution firm. 

He thinks maybe Dan is crying again. "It was." 

He looks at Dan. He was right. There are tears dripping off his cheeks that Dan makes no move to wipe away. He'll wipe them for Dan, but first he just needs to look at Dan some more. 

When he does reach out, his hand isn't shaking anymore. He takes a step forward, tasting salt on his lips and feeling the breeze in his hair as he kisses Dan. It might hit him again later but he feels strangely calm standing here, in this moment, alive against all odds and with his person.

**Author's Note:**

> [read and reblog on tumblr](http://alittledizzy.tumblr.com/post/178497497135/pick-a-star-on-the-dark-horizon-rating-t-word)


End file.
